Friday, February 15, 2008

Something I ate?

A new goal hovered before me, and its aim was no less than to change the world. My excitement and energy for it were boundless, my capacity without limit.

The time for revolution is now, and it starts here. Exist for yourself no more. Exist for things greater than yourself. Become part of the solution to everything. How much time do you spend entertaining yourself, doing things for yourself, just for your enjoyment? How much time, I asked myself, do you spend simply living selfishly and contributing to the decay that's inherent in the world, the decay of humanity?

We may be doomed, but now it is time to fight against fate.

Suddenly I needed to find every opportunity to help my fellow creatures, help all things that can suffer, all people human and otherwise who are in need. They are billions and they are calling.

To be born again you must first die, and my death has been a miserable one. Was it food poisoning? Disease? Supernatural experience? I can't say, but my guts heaved with every possible sensation of misery and even still ache dully with the residue of the agony.

Visions of an angel filled part of my delirious night; she is not imaginary, but she seemed not ordinary. Blooming in with eros and full of agape, she seemed the only desire worth pursuing, and she was held before my mind as if supernatural, the only thought that combated the emerging pain.

But the worst of the suffering was still to come after once again awakening. Only iron will kept me from retching, pure fortitude kept food and heart medication down until, finally, there was relief, and I could sleep again.

The timing felt as if something was trying to stop me from going forward with new ideas, or . The cause was almost certainly either a spicy meal or too much chocolate, but the timing was, perhaps, symbolic - I would have worse than physical suffering in my path ahead.

Becoming a force of good in the world is never easy.

The day was full of misery, but not unbearable - so long as I remained in bed. This is the worst I've felt in a long time, and all other imagined emotional suffering melts away: as it had been when I resolved to make my life one with purpose, I saw my selfish pains and wants as if they had never been possessed of any substance.

There are exceptions, but often the things we deal with are trivialities. We aren't always the ones on our deathbeds, not the ones struggling hard just to live - whether getting by or combating mortality.

The question to ask, though, is this: what can I do for the suffering?

And I do not write about suffering animals, suffering people: I write of all of them, everything capable of experiencing misery.

Do whatever you can to fight it. The struggle is an internal and an external one.

The worst is not over. Worse is yet to come.

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