Wednesday, April 23, 2008

On Being Folded

One does not break.
One does not resist.
One does not attempt to interrupt the process; this is frowned upon. One does not question the position of the crease, nor does one question the process.
Do not scream.
Do not be concerned about any discomfort you may feel; it will pass momentarily.
Do not make any attempt to disrupt the lining up stage of the fold.
Likewise do not disturb the pressing portion of the folding procedure.
Do not cut the fingers or the hands.
In the event of papercuts, paper is not to be bled upon. Paper that has been bled upon must be disposed of in the biological waste containers.
The hands will be firm: this is to be expected and a lack of cooperation may result in tears.
The hands are not responsible for the tears; neither are their owners.
The hands' work is absolutely beyond the question of the paper. Their ultimate purpose is out of the scope of paper.
The details of said purpose concern only the owner of the hands, and do not concern the paper.
The hands are to be obeyed at all times. Coercion shall be used if necessary.
The paper is to be clean and presentable; it is solely responsible for any smudges or smears, even if made by the hands.
The paper must conform to all posted regulations of appearance, format and size. This requires that no paper have bent corners, unplanned creases, or other such marrings of appearance.
The paper is accountable for all ink being dry when the hands are ready to fold it.
The paper must remain silent at all times. Violation of the silence rule will result in immediate recycling.
The purpose of paper is to be folded; paper need not look past its own self-interest when considering why it should allow itself to be folded. Folding is the only game in town.
You must not delay the folding process, as doing so would violate contracts and delay filing. Delays are unacceptable.
Filing is likewise not to be hindered or resisted. Alphabetization is mandatory and the location of a file within a folder may not be changed.
Tampering with alphabetization hinders the recovery of files and is punishable by shredding.
We would like to take this opportunity to remind all paper that there is no return from the recycle bin, until recycling time.
Recycling time is every Wednesday.
Filing for storage is to commence immediately after folding is completed.
Storage of the filed paper may last for an indeterminate period. Typical times range from an eon to an eternity.
Storage may not be truncated without the appropriate triplicate form approving file destruction.
The file destruction form (FDF) must be signed by each manager on each tier of the organization between the requesting party and the organizational head.
All paper is to be considered recyclable and not disposable. This reduces costs and is of course environmentally friendly, which improves sales among the target demographic, thereby boosting profits.
All paper should be disposed of properly. It should be shredded and left in the waste paper basket, which can be found beneath the shredder.
All paper found outside of this basket is to be re-inserted. Leaving this basket intentionally is punishable by immediate recycling.
When full, the waste paper basket is to be immediately emptied into the large paper receptacle located across the hall, before shredding may be resumed.
When full, the large paper receptacle must likewise be emptied into the large dumpster located behind the facility.
Please note that our toner emits toxic fumes when burned; under no circumstances should paper be set fire to.
Note that paper is highly flammable and that flames will rapidly spread among paper. This is hazardous to the facility and will cause noxious fumes to be emitted, therefore this rule are strictly enforced.
All paper is to be kept a minimum of one hundred fifty meters from sources of open flame. Smoking is not permitted. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Failure to recycle is punishable by immediate recycling.
Please note that all new reams are to be left unopened until all open reams have been used up.
Please note that violation of these rules and procedures as set forth above will result in immediate recycling.
See you in the next ream.

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