Friday, April 4, 2008

Nagging

I feel as if I've lost something.

I'm not sure what it is, and that's what bothers me most about this feeling.

Ordinarily when I get the sense that something is missing, and nothing seems to be, I let it pass. This time though, it just won't go away. I've re-examined my life and found nothing lacking. I've made checklist after checklist to figure out what else it could be. I've spent entire nights pacing around my living room just trying to get it to come to me.

Yes, it's something big--it's persisted for days, as if I had a kid and forgot him somewhere. I don't have any kids, just a fiancé with whom I live. This is beginning to impact her badly as well.

It's hard to be so close to someone and deal with restless insomnia and this insane feeling, and I'm sure she's even begun questioning my mental health.

I know I have.

So what can make someone who's content in his professional and personal lives feel like something is missing?

And it's not a matter of wealth not making me happy. I'm not overly rich, though I do have money. I still sacrifice time and money to causes I care about, to trying to make the world a better place. There's nothing I do or say or buy that's out of alignment with my beliefs.

Is there something else out there I need? Is this a perfectly normal feeling to have at my age, about to exit my thirties? Perhaps this is what makes people find God, or buy a fancy sports car, or have an affair.

Mid-life crisis doesn't seem to be it though, at least not yet. I could be driven to that, but it really seems like I should just have to pull my keys out of my door or get a child out of the car after grocery shopping.

It's maddening.

In case you were wondering, it's definitely not about my coming marriage. I've never had a doubt about the woman I love and I've never looked back since I asked her. In fact I've never looked forward to something so much in my life.

Perhaps I've lost a sense, lost some vision, some faculty that I could only comprehend when I had it. If you needed eyes to be aware of eyes, going blind might be like this. You couldn't possibly notice them missing if you needed them in order to see them, except possibly by memory.

Or maybe it's what brain damage feels like, when you lose a certain amount of mental capacity. You might realize something is different, but I doubt if you could easily grasp exactly what. Losing the capacity complex thought, you wouldn't quite be able to understand what it is that you've lost.

Even if someone drew you a picture and did their best to explain it, there would be no way for you to understand what it felt like to have a fully functional mind.

Maybe I'm missing an idea. Be it the point of the universe or some piece of artistic inspiration, I missed the boat on it. I was probably distracted by something I was working on, or a drink I was having, or by wanting to sleep or have sex. So I failed to act on the inspiration, write it down, run to my studio and sketch it out. Or even just failed to pursue an interesting thought.

And now it's gone forever. I have no chance of remembering it and no chance of reproducing it. Yes, it was something big, something that would have changed my life or maybe even the lives of others--the world.

And now where it should have been, there is merely a gaping existential hole, the sense of failure coming to me intuitively from some supernatural sense of destiny: the world is now not as it should be, something is missing.

Or maybe I keep forgetting to buy something at the supermarket.

Whatever it is--if there is anything and my mind isn't just playing tricks on me--I hope I forget about it soon. Or maybe remember it. I just have this idea that if I remember it, it'll be too late to do anything about it, or it will be something horrible and life-ruining.

Ignorance might just be bliss, and despite mine it's been ages since I was found to smile regularly.

Well, this bottle has done it's work. Time to get some sleep.

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